Trust is transitioning from institutional to "distributed," shifting authority from leaders to peers, which is often overlooked and perpetuates trust issues. If trust is predictable, it isn’t needed – is it? If the inner workings of AI, government, and the media were just more transparent, if we knew how they worked, we think we wouldn’t really need to “trust” so much. It would be more predictable.
Read MoreMarkers of emotional intelligence (and health)
Coaches with a background in psychology are grounded in theoretical perspectives of family systems and the impact a family template can have on adult development; how our lopsided natures can hold us back from the progress we wish to make; and, how denial can lead to blocking learning and remaining stuck—among many other aspects of human development.
It is a great myth, and one that we have bought into, that we are one person at home and another at work. The fundamentals we just reviewed—how families work, how our lopsided natures are formed, and how we become stuck—give us a very high level, basic understanding for why “conscious leaders” and “emotionally intelligent leaders” are so highly prized in the work environment.
One way to start understanding just how lopsided we have become from our earliest experiences is to identify a range of markers of emotional intelligence and general emotional health, visualizing how we rank in comparison. In therapy we would direct most of our repair work and attention toward healing those early experiences that generated the most hurt, and therefore contributed to the greatest gaps in our emotional health. In coaching, we recognize that these experiences occurred, gain awareness and insights about how they contribute to our present, and determine actions that will increase our effectiveness and performance.
At least five qualities come to mind.
1. Self-love: the ability to like oneself, wholly.
Before we can empathize with other’s experiences, we must learn to empathize with our own internal experience—the emotional reactivity and interior monologue that is generated when we are under stress.
Self-love is the quality that determines how much we can be friends with ourselves, learn to become our own (caring) advocate, and commit to constructive choices that suggest we are on our own side.
When we observe a stranger having things or experiences we don’t, how quickly do we feel less than or resentful? How long is it before we are making assumptions of how they came by those things and experiences or questioning the fairness of things? When another person irritates or demeans us in some way, can we let the slight go? Can we see the action for what it was (senseless spite) or are we left brooding and lose ourselves in overwhelming sadness, indirectly agreeing with the verdict of those judging us? How much can the disapproval or neglect or public opinion be counterbalanced by the memory of the steady attention of a few significant people in the past?
In relationships, do we have enough self-love to leave an abusive partnership? Or are we so down on ourselves that we carry an unspoken belief that mistreatment, disapproval, or outright abandonment is all we deserve? In a different vein, how good are we at apologizing to a lover, a family member, or dear friend for things that actually might be our fault? How rigidly pious do we need to be? Can we dare to admit mistakes, or does an admission of guilt or error bring us too close to a sense of complete insignificance?
How do we regard our desires? Therapy will venture into family histories and the bedroom for those answers. Coaches will seek to understand how we define and self-edit our desires for success. Are our desires clean and natural or alternatively disgusting and sinful? are we a little off, but not bad or dark, since they originate from inside us and we are not wretches?
2. Candor: the ability to be truthful and authentic about oneself.
Candor is about being “real” when you might feel vulnerable to judgment and open in the face of difficult ideas and troubling facts. It determines the extent to which you can consciously open your mind, to thoughtfully explore and accept facts without denial—without lying to yourself (and then others).
One question both therapists and coaches get equally: “Am I normal? You’ve seen this before, right?”
The fact is, there is no normal. And, yes, we’ve seen it before.
The essence of candor is intimacy, with ourselves. How much can we admit to ourselves about who we are—even if, or especially when, the material is unflattering? How much do we need to insist on our own normality and sanity in order to accept ourselves and admit our inner natures? Can we explore our own minds? Can we, as one psychology professor challenged, confront “the dogs in the basement”? Can we shine light in those darker and more troubled corners without flinching too much? Can we admit to foolishness, envy, sadness, confusion, and galactic mistakes?
Around others, how ready are we to learn? This matters for parents and partners as much as it does for newly minted managers and CEOs. Do we need always to take a criticism of one part of us as an attack on everything about us? How ready are we to listen when valuable lessons come, painfully, over and over again through multiple contexts?
3. Social Skills: the ability to communicate, persuade, influence, and listen.
Can we patiently and reasonably put our disappointments into words that, more or less, enable others to see our point? Or do we internalize pain, act it out symbolically or discharge it with counterproductive rage?
When other people upset us, do we feel we have the right to communicate or must we slam doors and retreat into sulks? When the desired response isn’t forthcoming, do we ask others to guess what we have been too angrily panicked to spell out? Or can we have a plausible second go and take seriously the thought that others are not merely being nasty in misunderstanding us? Do we have the inner resources to teach rather than insist?
4. Motivation: having an interest in learning and improving oneself.
Do we have the strength to keep going when there are obstacles in life? Motivation is about setting goals and following through with them.
When something deeply interests us, we take initiative and demonstrate the commitment to complete a task. If we are truly passionate about our goal we will persist through adversity, boredom, frustration and find creative ways through setbacks.
Embracing better health, taking steps to advance our career by attending graduate school, saving for retirement, and paying off loans are examples of goals that motivate us internally and result in self-improvement.
Marrying at the “right time”, getting the best grades, having the latest gadget or car are examples of chasing goals that flaunt wealth or status and can represent a slippery slope. Failure in the face of these kinds of goals is unlikely to result in a constructive learning opportunity. More than likely failure to maintain the perfect house, keep the kids in private schools, avoid divorce and poor performance at work will result in increasing self-doubt, and reducing one’s ability to be their own best advocate (and friend).
5. Self-Management
How do we react in the face of risk? And, how do we manage our impulses in relation to those risks? Do we think before we speak/react? Do we express ourselves appropriately?
How well would we perform a challenge in the form of a public speech, a romantic rejection, period of financial strain, immigrating to another country or lengthy physical illness? Sometimes a small cold can set us back in ways we didn’t expect. How close are we, at any time, to financial, professional, or personal disaster? What mettle are we made of?
Is the stranger dangerous or benevolent? If we lean towards be a little more direct than most, will they accept us or ghost us? Will unfamiliar situations end in a disaster? Around love, how tightly do we need to cling? If a lover, parent, sibling, friend is distant for a while, will they return? If a boss neglects regular touch points, stakeholders go silent, or direct reports fail to check in are they sabotaging us or will they still support our efforts? How controlling do we need to be? Can we approach an interesting stranger or colleague to connect on some interest or other? Or move on from an unsatisfying relationship?
Overall, do we think the world is expansive, safe and rational enough for us to have a genuine shot at fulfillment, or must we settle, resentfully, for inauthenticity and misunderstanding?
Our first answers to these questions are not our fault, or anyone else’s. They are merely the first responses that were wired into us during a galvanizing experience. Many of these questions are so hard to answer sincerely in a positive light. But, by considering them, we are at least starting to know what sort of impact our primal wounds have and, therefore, what we need to do to address it.
This blog post is part of a series related to Driving Your Self-Discovery pending publication.
Photo credit: Cross-fit, unknown
Peopling 101: What is group coaching?
What is group coaching?
Group coaching is a process where a group of individuals, generally from different teams, organizations, or affiliations will engage with the coach to target a specific problem or improve a particular set of skills. For example, a leader of an organization might be the only female executive and wants to engage a group coach to facilitate a mentoring/leadership group of female managers within the company to explore key leadership concepts. Examples outside of business organizations are boot camps at gyms where people meet to get in shape or AA meetings where people meet to explore approaches to recovery from addiction. In each case, individuals are gathering to move through a common process, yet maintain their own unique learning goals. The coach accompanies the group over a period of time to provide a safe space to explore these ideas.
When would group coaching be used?
Group coaching is about the connection, communication and community that comes from the coach engaging with group members, and group members interacting with each other. The topics might be challenging for people to explore and stick with, like addiction or physical goals. The topics might be politically tricky, leadership topics in a matrixed environment, where managers of managers might be in the same group. In all cases, building trust and belief in the process is paramount to make group coaching effective.
What does a group experience during the group coaching process?
Group coaching is very experiential and involves 1-2 coaches who lead a group of roughly five to 15 people. Typically, groups meet for an hour or two each week. Some people attend individual coaching sessions. For example, an addict might see a therapist as well as go to group meetings. A person trying to get in shape might go to the gym on their own or work with a trainer in addition to going to boot camp, and a female manager might work with an executive coach in addition to attending a leadership group session.
In terms of experiences, each member is going through their own individual journey and are in every sense, their own hero. This mirrors the Prochaska Change model in some respects. As a group, if most members are roughly at the same place of change and skill, they will advance together and help keep one another on course as they will be encountering similar setbacks and small wins.
What is a group coach?
A group coach is more than a coach working with more than one individual. More than a valuable source of support, a formal group coach offer benefits beyond informal self-help efforts. Group sessions are led by one or more coaches with specialized training, who teach group members proven strategies for managing specific problems. If you're involved in a group focused on ADHD in the Workplace, for instance, your coach will describe scientifically tested strategies for managing ADHD in the workplace. That expert guidance can help you make the most of your group experience.
Joining a Group
Unlike team coaching, where the boundaries of the team are pretty clear, groups have different rules on how people can exit and enter the group, as well as who gets to be included. Open groups are those in which new members can join at any time. Closed groups are those in which all members begin the group at the same time. They may all take part in a 12-week session together, for instance. There are pros and cons of each type. When joining an open group, there may be an adjustment period while getting to know the other group attendees. However, if you want to join a closed group, you may have to wait for several months until a suitable group is available. Some groups have maximum or minimum capacities. Small groups may offer more time to focus on each individual, but larger groups offer greater diversity and more perspectives. Groups usually work best when members experience similar difficulties and function at similar levels.
What does group coaching process look like?
Every group is different, but one thing is constant: what you put in is what you get out. Confidentiality is an important part of the ground rules for group work. However, there's no absolute guarantee of privacy when sharing with others, using common sense when divulging personal information helps. That said, members learn they are not the only one sharing their story or goals—everyone contributes. Groups work best where there is open and honest communication between members. Group members will start out as strangers, but in a short amount of time, they most likely view each as a valuable and trusted source of support and a valuable extension to their network.
Common group outcomes.
Each group has unique goals and outcomes. However, there are some general outcomes like receiving support and encouragement of other members, integration of key learning concepts in order to become more effective individually, maximizing effectiveness/efficiency/affordability for group members, and a valuable source of feedback.
The ultimate goal of a group coach is to help enable and empower others.