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QUESTION
There is a colleague who I don’t get along with and would never work for—but they are a primary stakeholder of mine. How do I go along to get along?
ANSWER
We’ve all been told since we were children that there will be people with which we won’t get along. And, in our jobs, we go a step further by focusing purely on the result, suggesting to ourselves, “we don’t have to be best friends to get this done.”
All team-working situations are fundamentally about working with other people. If you are open to receiving feedback, even from people you disagree with, then you will become, and be, a good person to work with in a team. It truly is as simple as that.
All feedback is relevant, even if it's not true.
― Ford Taylor, American author
One of the main skills blocking our ability to drive results with others is our feedback skills. So much attention has been focused on the giver, hoping the feedback lands well. Very little attention is paid to the receiver.
Giving and receiving feedback well is essential in any team-working situation. Being able to give clear and effective feedback to others is vital to keep the group process running effectively, and to plan. It also helps to ensure that we do not get irritated and angry with the way that others are behaving. It follows that we also need to be able to receive feedback gracefully, and then act on it calmly—regardless of what we may think of the other person.
Hearing comments from people we don’t respect, don’t like, and can’t stand to be around is especially important. Because of our desire to avoid them, they likely become even more critical to our success. We can also learn the most from them. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
As challenging as it may be for us, we have to find ways to work well with a broad spectrum of people to build good and productive working and other relationships. To drive results with others we need to see the relationship as at least as important as the task in hand.
Read that again: we need to see the relationship as at least as important as the task in hand. That is a value statement, stating: people are as important as results.
Most people pay lip service to the idea. It is only when we are confronted with pressure or challenged by another person’s performance that we have to confront our beliefs about how we value results, and people.
How can we collaborate, share plans and ideas, and work together to build a better whole? How can we promote a cooperative climate where everyone is invited to contribute?
By actively, intentionally managing our relationships. We may not profit from some of our closest connections, but the bad ones will result in heavy losses. In this way, everyone is our teacher—especially the people we can’t seem to get along with.
We need to actively seek out opportunities for deeper connection. We do this by first questioning our thoughts and feelings about how we feel around them. What is it about the other person that sets us off? Do they shut us down, interrupt, ignore our contributions, get aggressive when others disagree with them, bully us into agreement, frustrate us with their lack of knowledge, slow pace of thinking, or shallow opinions?
Our experience is our experience and it is valid. And, we need to become curious about what data we are selecting, and how that data informs our assumptions and beliefs. We emotionally react and take action on those perceptions.
How we perceive other can be felt. On some level, conscious or unconscious, they know what we are thinking.
But if we slow ourselves down, we are in learning mode about our thoughts and feelings. We ask more questions than we have judgments, helping us develop a stronger understanding of the people around us. From there, we are more likely to make better decisions.
MORE THOUGHTS…
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. –Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst
When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need to be punished; He needs help. That’s the message he is sending. –Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist monk and peace activist
In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher. — Dali Lama
If it was necessary to tolerate in other people everything that one permits oneself, life would be unbearable. — Georges Courteline, French dramatist and novelist
I cannot make the universe obey me. I cannot make other people conform to my own whims and fancies. I cannot make even my own body obey me. — Thomas Merton, American Trappist monk, writer, theologian, and social activist
REMEMBER
For whatever reason, there are people in our lives that we experience as difficult, don’t respect, or that chafe us in some way. To remain effective in our work, these are the individuals who teach us humility, patience, empathy, and compassion.
PRACTICE
When you're dealing with a particular person who presents a challenge to you, it's easy to judge them as less than—less knowledgeable, less competitive, less…anything. Think about what they have to offer, why they are in the role they are in, and what you can learn from them.
CONNECT
Talk to a friend or trusted colleague about people you have unexpectedly learned something valuable. Consider if you could have learned that lesson from someone more agreeable.
REFLECT
If you keep a journal for your own development, write down your thoughts about the opportunities and missed opportunities of viewing everyone, even people you wouldn’t initially suspect, to be your teacher.
NEXT
To perform well while under pressure, we need to train our minds to work more effectively. Making the right decisions, whether that is hashing out how artificial intelligence will evolve or ensuring naval ships are ready on time takes practice.
Driving Results With Others: A pocket guide for learning on the job enables you with all the tools and tactics you need to make your interactions less stressful and more effective.