QUESTION
There are people who have slighted me over the years, and I find myself carrying grudges. How can I let those go?
ANSWER
Wounds sting, making it hard to move on from slights and arrows. To say "forgiveness is its own reward" falls flat when retribution is closer at hand. Because feelings can run deep, there are several answers to consider: find patience, don't hold grudges, go beyond worry, and…it's important to cultivate perspective.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
― C.G. Jung, Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst
When we experience stress, our bodies release a chemical cocktail that impacts how we take in information. People might withhold information, cut you from important meetings, or hold back on their contributions to our work—that behavior can have a direct impact on our ability to do our job and the trajectory of our career. Challenge can be a threat or opportunity. How we confront challenge can tip us forward or backward in our performance.
When we carry grudges, we are holding on to emotions that release naturally occurring hormones which amplify and distort our perspective. They may amplify thoughts of "everyone hates me," or "they are against me" when in fact most people aren't giving us much thought because they are living their own dramas. When we feel slighted or "done to" we are less likely to filter the meaningful from the mundane.
Our nerves might feel raw. Our energy is generally lower. We oscillate between feeling wildly unfocused or having tunnel vision.
Grudges—how long we hold on to them, why we choose to cling to them—are tied to stories we tell about ourselves. Who we think we are and what we think we deserve or are entitled to is a matter of perception. What makes one person feel slighted might not impact someone else the same way.
Instead of thinking of concentrating on how you felt slighted, how can you view the person or situation through another pair of eyes? How can you learn to view them differently? Can you try to see the situation differently? what will it take to get you to more neutral territory?
Who knows, the other person might be under tremendous pressures at home or might not know how they are impacting you. They might be struggling in their role and feel like they don’t know what they're doing. Can you relate to that feeling?
There isn't one person out there today that couldn't benefit from the benefit of the doubt.
Find ways of cultivating perspective by trying different practices. For example, learn the differences between:
Attention. Attention is what we are focusing on in the moment. Attention is limited, selective, and a very basic component of our biological makeup.
Meta-Attention. Meta-attention is attention of attention. A shorthand way of thinking of it is a balcony view of a situation. It is, what we think and how we feel about what we are noticing. The ability to pay attention to attention itself raises our cognitive functioning and enables response over-reactivity. For example, when we become bored, our attention wanders. Sometimes something clicks and we are reminded we need to be paying attention. We can catch ourselves and bring our attention back to the task at hand.
Meta-attention is the key to deep concentration and awareness. When our meta-attention becomes strong, we can keep our wandering mind on task. Rather than long periods of boredom of fidgeting, we can recover our attention quickly and often enough to experience continuity of our own experience, a more continuous attention, which is deep concentration.
Meditation. Meditation is about mental training practices. The goal is to distinguish between two specific mental process: Attention and Meta-attention.
Mindfulness. Mindfulness is a quality of being — the experience of being open and aware in the present moment, without reflexive judgment, automatic criticism or mind wandering.
MORE THOUGHTS…
To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it. ― Confucius, Chinese philosopher and politician
There are no facts, only interpretations. ― Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher
One person's craziness is another person's reality. ― Tim Burton, American filmmaker
It's the hardest thing in the world to go on being aware of someone else's pain. — Pat Barker, English writer and novelist
REMEMBER
The hurt feelings that come from remembering how we were slighted can run deep and have physiological and emotional impacts on us. When we feel intensity, it's important to step back and cultivate perspective. There are many practices to consider aiding the skill of cultivating attention.
PRACTICE
Make a list of the people you judge harshly and/or have the need to forgive. It could be for small things like ghosting you, making promises and not keeping them, professional slights, reputational damage—anything. Consider why these behaviors have a hold on you, and what you need to gain a better perspective in order to move on.
CONNECT
Talk to a friend or trusted colleague about how you have gained perspective in the past. Maybe you took a trip, journaled, engaged a coach or therapist, focused on a hobby, made some kind of change in your life that shifted your perspective?
REFLECT
If you keep a journal for your own development, list the small shifts you would like to integrate in order to shift your perspective.
To perform well while under pressure, we need to train our minds to work more effectively. Making the right decisions, whether that is hashing out how artificial intelligence will evolve or ensuring naval ships are ready on time takes practice.
Driving Results With Others: A pocket guide for learning on the job enables you with all the tools and tactics you need to make your interactions less stressful and more effective.