QUESTION
I know I should be compassionate to everyone, not just the ones who are easy to get along with. It’s hard to collaborate with people who always want something, who deal in transactions. I don’t perceive them as motivated by a higher sense of mission. They ride my nerves, stretch my patience, and bring me to the edge. How do I get past that?
ANSWER
Yes, it's easy to say "be good to everyone" when the pressure isn't on. We all have more emotional reserves for more challenging individuals when there is more time or budget to work with. It's hard, but not impossible, to treat Everyone with respect—even those that ride our nerves.
Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? — Henry David Thoreau, American essayist, poet, and philosopher
We've all heard of the Golden Rule, treat others as we would want to be treated. But when deadlines loom, management is adding more priorities to our lists, and the stresses of home life get in the way—it's hard to not lash out at those people that we perceive as making our lives unnecessarily harder. Maybe we react emotionally or negatively. Taking a beat after being confronted by someone who seems to be litigating their way through challenging feedback reminds us that we just experienced a moment for compassion and chose the opposite—why?
Kindness, empathy, compassion—those kinds of mental processes needed to constantly cultivated. When we are tired, discouraged, or overwhelmed, we don't always have the energy or the mental capacity to say something nice. Respect, sometimes, just goes out the window. If being a high performer and if achieving personal and professional mastery is our ultimate goal, we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard than just "getting through the day."
Kindness, empathy, and compassion assume we have that we have enough of those things for ourselves in order to give them to others. When we've slept well, eat good food and surround ourselves with nourishing people, it's easier to treat others well (because we are taking care of ourselves).
Sometimes being kind to someone, particularly someone that is continually taking for themselves, is giving them a boundary. People who take, eventually hit a wall and learn that they need to learn other ways of getting what they need.
Finding one thing to respect about someone to challenges us, taking time to forgive the small slights, and assuming the best intent from others pays dividends. Those may be the only small acts of kindness another person feels for their whole day. Imagine that for a second.
MORE THOUGHTS…
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. — Carrie Fisher, American actress, writer, and comedian
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change. — George Carlin, American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic
We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know. —Carl Rogers, American psychologist
Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care. — Theodore Roosevelt, American statesman, politician, conservationist, naturalist, and writer; served as the 26th president of the United States
REMEMBER
When analyzing other people's motivation, know that you will never see the whole picture. Your task, on route to maturity, is to do your best to be kind, empathetic, and compassionate to people who challenge you.
PRACTICE
Think of a time when you judged someone's motivations too quickly. How did you feel then? How will you react in the future?
CONNECT
Talk to a friend or trusted colleague about the need to look for the best in others, even when it's a challenge.
REFLECT
If you keep a journal for your own development, write down your thoughts about practical ways you can apply the Golden Rule when you're dealing with challenging people, and you're under pressure to perform.
NEXT
To perform well while under pressure, we need to train our minds to work more effectively. Making the right decisions, whether that is hashing out how artificial intelligence will evolve or ensuring naval ships are ready on time takes practice.
Driving Results With Others: A pocket guide for learning on the job enables you with all the tools and tactics you need to make your interactions less stressful and more effective.