QUESTION

There are challenges that appear “textbook” where I have a ready solution because I’ve experienced them before. But there are others I don’t recognize, or don’t see in the books. How can I tackle those?

ANSWER

Our first and most natural response is to try what we know. But there are certain problems where applying current technical know-how or routine behavior doesn’t work when driving results with others. The learning in these situations doesn’t come from books but requires us to work with what inner resources we have and innovate. That takes emotional labor.

Neurosis is the inability to tolerate ambiguity.
— Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist and the founder of psychoanalysis,

Emotional labor is the process of managing feelings and expressions to fulfill the emotional requirements of a job. More specifically, we are expected to regulate our emotions during interactions with others, while performing our day to day tasks: having effective, direct conversations; collaboration when the stakes are high, or speaking to large groups of people with clarity. To perform those skills under pressure is to sit in our own and someone else’s discomfort. To be effective, we have to relax our ideas on what the textbook model might or might not work, what we’ve done before that might or might not work. We have to summon the curiosity and the ability to remain in ambiguity for a period of time.

When Mary saw behavior in a peer or direct and wants to help, the desire might be to share an article, model, or book that helped them when she needed it. This approach rarely works because the other person is not in the same frame of mind as Mary was and does not share the unique circumstances or support that led to the transformational learning she earned. Sure, we can share what has worked for us in the hopes of saving someone else time and energy, but we cannot “hand lessons off” to others and think they will stick. If we want lasting change, we can only create circumstances for someone else’s learning. This is what is meant by the advice of “meeting people where they are at.” It requires slowing down to have collaborative conversations and the discernment of what to say, when. Leading this kind of change requires the ability for leaders to collaborate with groups and organizations in this same manner in times of intensity. To apply these ideas takes practice, a lot of it.

Using the example of Mary, let’s unpack it further.

Look for specific, observable actions. Observing behavior requires us to know the difference between behavior and our judgment of behavior.
State what was observed. Distinguish interpretations about the person’s motives, feelings, attitudes or personality traits, and implications of why they do what they do.
Remain neutral in observing. A behavior description is non-evaluative. There is no determination of an event or action as good or bad, right or wrong. Evaluative statements (such as name-calling, accusations, and judgments) usually express what the speaker is feeling and convey little about the behavior observed.

Behavior description

Susan increases the use of her hands when presenting core ideas in a presentation.
Brian’s face gets red, he looks down, and his jaw clenches when I provide feedback on deadlines.
“Rajesh, you mischaracterize Sanjeev’s work in meetings when you suggest his usage of a particular feature is an outlier.”

Interpretation or evaluation

Susan is overwhelmed. She needs to get her stakeholders to buy in and she’s not reaching them.
Brian is angry and frustrated.
“Rajesh you are a bully.” “Rajesh, you are trying to show Sanjeev up.”

We learn pretty early in our careers that the “shit-sandwich” approach to delivery feedback doesn’t work. Offering “keep behaviors,” or praise, at the same time we’re offering “change behaviors,” or criticism, we tried to demonstrate that we see performance strengths as well as performance deficits—but really, we just increased confusion and static.

Instead, notice the behaviors that caused you to make a judgment. Lead by stating those behaviors first, then own judgment. From there, you can make a request for change. A short conversation script to connect and keep the dialogue moving forward could be:

“I notice that your deadlines are getting soft.”
“The story I’m telling myself is that you think these commitments don’t matter so much.”
“I want you to deliver this project a day in advance, so we aren’t scrambling.”

There are, of course, more complicated approaches to feedback that are very valid. And this approach will save our bacon more often than we would like to admit.

MORE THOUGHTS…

Intolerance of ambiguity is the mark of an authoritarian personality. —Theodor Adorno, German philosopher, sociologist, psychologist and composer

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. —Gilda Radner, American comedian and actress

What is important is to keep learning, to enjoy challenge, and to tolerate ambiguity. In the end there are no certain answers. —Matina Horner, American psychologist who was the sixth president of Radcliffe College

The character of human life, like the character of the human condition, like the character of all life, is "ambiguity": the inseparable mixture of good and evil, the true and false, the creative and destructive forces-both individual and social. — Paul Tillich, German-American existentialist philosopher and theologian

REMEMBER

We practice what we know—over and over—until what we are trying no longer works or has diminishing returns. At that point, we acknowledge that know-how or routine behavior won’t help us and we are ready to surrender to another way. When we utilize our inner resources to learn new pathways we innovate. That takes emotional labor.

PRACTICE

Confronting challenge and change requires our ability to sit with a certain level of discomfort within ourselves and in others. If rules of thumb no longer work, becoming a better observer of behavior can help us find a path. A behavior description is a report of specific, observable actions rather than assumptions, evaluations or interpretations. We block our normal shortcuts to trusted solutions and open ourselves to alternatives. It is focusing on what happened, not why.

CONNECT

Talk to a friend or trusted colleague about how easy or hard it is to observe and state behaviors in others before you allow yourselves to form judgments. Consider alternatives to those judgments.

REFLECT

If you keep a journal for your own development, write your thoughts about what feelings come up when you slow down long enough to observe and name behaviors in others, versus leaping more quickly to judgments. What did you learn about yourself?

To perform well while under pressure, we need to train our minds to work more effectively. Making the right decisions, whether that is hashing out how artificial intelligence will evolve or ensuring naval ships are ready on time takes practice.

Driving Results With Others: A pocket guide for learning on the job enables you with all the tools and tactics you need to make your interactions less stressful and more effective.