QUESTION
When I feel strongly about a particular solution to a problem, I’m usually right. Sometimes it frustrates me to have to listen to others, though I make time for it. Sometimes I just want to hush the other voices in the room so I can get on to other things. How do I manage this urge?
ANSWER
Being right, often, can be both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, people can take your recommendations to the bank because they are solid. On the other, the best solutions generally come from a diverse set of thinking and being open to a third solution (your ideas + others = ??) invites creativity. This is a good time for asking questions—but be strategic.
It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settling a question without debating it.
— Joseph Joubert, French moralist and essayist
Questions have the power to change lives by forcing us to reckon with a core truth or make a difficult decision. Challenging a team to think differently can jump start creative problem solving and unlock log jams from the status quo. Asking the right question, at the right time, with just the right people can make-or-break organizations, helping them reframe entire industries.
Questions are all well and good, but leaders must be decisive. They must have the courage to see and say what others fear. They stand in the center of the fire, sitting with the discomfort of making hard decisions. They have to live with the power that comes from both failure and success. From this perspective, leaders have a more complete view, more information. They have strong judgment and good instincts. Leaders that view management, leadership and driving results with others as an ongoing discipline, seek diverse perspectives and work to disconfirm their beliefs.
But, if we’re right just enough, we can get stale, lazy, insular and complacent. Being right all the time can create a team dependency where others stop thinking about things we know about and stop challenging us with new ideas, rendering us out of touch. Being right all the time can cause the group to think and make decisions in a way that discourages creativity or individual responsibility.
Managing our reactivity to others’ input—as a waste of time, ill-informed, or taking to much time, etc.—develops us as much as it empowers them. It forces us to develop patience. Patience can help us think more comprehensively.
What if they don’t know what they don’t know? Beyond listening to repeat what they other person said, we are listening to hear for what they are trying to say but cannot fully express. How curiosity help us confirm our assumptions about others’ knowledge?
What if they should know more but don’t? It’s up to us to suspend judgment and create space for curiosity. What knowledge do they have that we do not that would beneficial in cultivating a new perspective?
The ability to understand others' poorly expressed or incomplete thoughts and concerns as well as their underlying meanings helps develop their thinking (and ours) and increases our influence and mentoring skills. Developing others at times when we can dominate requires us to be patient, recognize different values and styles, and value others' unique characteristics or strengths.
In addition to bringing our knowledge and expertise to a conversation, bringing three or four thoughtful, even provocative questions to every conversation helps advance the thinking in the room, advancing a conversation adds value.
MORE THOUGHTS…
A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. – Bruce Lee, Hong Kong-American actor, director, martial artist, martial arts instructor, and philosopher
I think that probably the most important thing about our education was that it taught us to question even those things we thought we knew. – Thabo Mbeki, South African politician and second president of South Africa
Fear is a question. What are you afraid of and why? Our fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if we explore them. – Marilyn French, radical feminist American author
He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked. – Voltaire, French Enlightenment writer, historian, and philosopher
The marvelous thing about a good question is that it shapes our identity as much by the asking as it does by the answering. – David Whyte, American stage, film and television actor
REMEMBER
Being right, often, can be both a blessing and a curse. This is a good time for asking questions—but be strategic. Our hastiness to be right or to dominate comes at a cost. We miss an opportunity to develop others, as well as ourselves.
PRACTICE
Asking questions is not just a way to bring another person along in an idea, it is a tool we can use to challenge our own thinking and slow us down. To explain a key concept means we know it inside and out and synthesize and simplify that knowledge for others. Taking time to hear others into speech as they are learning complex ideas requires patience and compassion for the learning process. While they are learning the idea, we are learning how to influence for positive impact.
CONNECT
Talk to a friend or trusted colleague about the times when you've worked with a colleague, mentor or boss that had a gift for hearing people into speech or making the complex easier to understand. What qualities did they possess that helped them communicate and influence with impact?
REFLECT
If you keep a journal for your own development, write down your thoughts about a time when you needed to slow down in order to influence a colleague. Did it feel like you had to “wait” for them to catch up? Did you enjoy the process of slowing down in order to go fast again? How did it feel to you to influence another?
NEXT
To perform well while under pressure, we need to train our minds to work more effectively. Making the right decisions, whether that is hashing out how artificial intelligence will evolve or ensuring naval ships are ready on time takes practice.
Driving Results With Others: A pocket guide for learning on the job enables you with all the tools and tactics you need to make your interactions less stressful and more effective.