QUESTION
When I'm confronted with challenge and change, my emotions seem to fluctuate—and they get away from me. I'm more reactionary than I normally am. How can I get a handle on this?
ANSWER
Emotions are like the flu. Sometimes you can "catch" them from other people. When people around us are emotionally distressed we might be tempted to become upset too. We need to maintain a safe Psychological distance, where their problems are not our problems.
We don't want to be afraid to make a choice because we're afraid to make a mistake. Decisions aren't final. Feelings change all the time. Taking risks and making choices are what make life so exciting. Every day something new comes our way.
— Amy Poehler, American actress, comedian, director, producer, and writer
There is much research emphasizing the value of reflection (through faith, meditation, physical workouts, hobbies, or other centering activity). Yet, try as we might, negative feelings can rob us of our emotional equilibrium. Neutrality is our aim—where we are our most grounded and creative. It is where we see the most alternatives to a situation. Giving in to anger, irritation, frustration, impatience, or anxiety detaches us from our goals. It is here we need to connect more deeply and get the feel of the work at hand, placing aside the feelings that will lead us astray. The work at hand might be staying present in the presence of a bully, influencing a key stakeholder who is not aligned to your mission, or having a conversation with a team member about their performance.
Separating feelings from feel is hardest when we are actively learning to do our work. We might be learning through trial and error in any number of ways—from actual experiments with data or research, to a new skill on the job like leading a company, delegating as a newly minted director, managing through others for the first time, facilitating small groups, public speaking, communicating across large groups, etc.
Emotions are contagious. Have you ever been able to not smile around a laughing baby? Can you recall how uplifting it is to be around genuinely positive people?
In the workplace, we tend to focus on frustration, anger or anxiety as emotions to contain or manage. For instance, when we encounter person with whom we must have a challenging conversation. If the other person is aware this conversation is coming, they might be nervous. We might be nervous approaching them, hoping it will go well. They sense us, we sense them, and our anxieties feed off one another indefinitely. When we become better at the skill of confrontation, the other person’s anxiety is often quelled. They sense our good intent. They might know what they need to work on and feel some sense of relief the topic was discussed as they now feel they can approach us on it in a more productive way.
There are times, however, no matter how grounded we are, we feel ourselves becoming irritated or angry at the same issues of people around us. If they are pessimistic and depressed, we may start to feel a little down. If the other person is really up and then really down, we may start to experience a little bit of their roller coaster ride. In either of these examples, it just takes one person to call out what is happening, state their goal and need for help (if any), and move on. Anxiety is calmed by structure and clarity.
Emotions are catchy. They are also variable, like the weather. Emotions can be unpredictable when we don't know what we are reacting to. Self-awareness can help. Knowing what sets us off about other people gives us valuable information on how to respond versus react. Emotions can be unreliable when our beliefs cling to inaccurate assumptions. Taking stock of how we are filtering information around us gives us even more data on how to become curious instead of giving in to being furious.
Gaining awareness of our blind spots shows us what is pulling our emotional strings. Why do we allow highly charged people or situations to dictate our moods and decisions? What causes us to second-guess ourselves? How do we access or gain wisdom during chaotic times, when everything appears to be a top priority? or when management is breathing down our necks on budget and timelines?
Sometime today, we may be confronted by challenge or change. As a result, we may find ourselves in the grip of powerful negative emotions. Don't trust them. Rein them in. Test them. Reflect on them. Observe their initial power, and how focused attention dissipates their impact.
Our feelings will inevitably change. No one can maintain pure happiness, sadness, anger or frustration forever. And, pure emotion is the red flag we need to know that we are lopsided at the moment. Our aim is to gain a more neutral equilibrium from which to respond and make more considered decisions in how we interact with others.
Taking time to ground ourselves is the opening toward curiosity and creativity. When in doubt, check it out. A more neutral emotional stance allows for the possibilities of more thoughts, and feelings, to occur.
MORE THOUGHTS…
You are responsible for the energy you bring into a room. — Jill Bolte Taylor, American neuroanatomist, author, and inspirational public speaker
Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be. — Abraham Lincoln, American statesman and lawyer who served as the 16th president of the United States
I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it. — Maya Angelou, American poet, singer, memoirist, and civil rights activist
If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself through lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future. ― Eckhart Tolle, German-Canadian author
REMEMBER
Emotions are contagious. When we're in the presence of challenging people, we are more likely to take on some aspect of their emotional state. Anxiety, like the flu, likes to travel. However, if we are mentally prepared, we can create enough psychological distance to remain calm and neutral in the presence of volatility. Call out what is happening. Get curious about why the other person (or we) feel a certain way. State the goal (or request help), and move on.
PRACTICE
The next time encounter challenge or change working with others, be aware of your feelings. Catch yourself the next time you start to get upset, worried, frustrated, irritated or angry. Take a moment; do what you need to do to calm down and "unhook" yourself. Don't allow the other person's emotional state to become your emotional state.
CONNECT
Talk to a friend or trusted colleague about the ways you both can stay calm and neutral in the presence of an other's emotional static.
REFLECT
If you keep a journal for your own development, write down your thoughts about the power and the impact of positive and negative emotions.
NEXT
To perform well while under pressure, we need to train our minds to work more effectively. Making the right decisions, whether that is hashing out how artificial intelligence will evolve or ensuring naval ships are ready on time takes practice.
Driving Results With Others: A pocket guide for learning on the job enables you with all the tools and tactics you need to make your interactions less stressful and more effective.