QUESTION
I spend a lot of time trying to “play things out” in my head. There’s preparing and there’s spinning on situations that aren’t likely to happen. How can I better determine which is which?
ANSWER
Generally, there are two types of things to worry about: things within your control and things outside of your control. Once you distinguish between the two, spend your time on things within your control. Everything else will take care of itself.
Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.
– Erma Bombeck, American humorist, columnist and author
If we can think, we can worry. Even if we meditate every day, practice our faith, go to the gym after work, or practice yoga—we can also worry. Everyone with opposable thumbs and extra time on their hands gets bouts of discouragement and doubt, especially when we're engaged with challenge and change. We all find ourselves disrupted by people and situations out of our control.
So, where to take our worries? Bring them to our practice. Bring them to church, to meditation, to yoga, and to the gym. Take them on a walk. Journal them. Worries are static that needs to be cleared from our bodies and our minds to make space for the creativity it takes to deal with a challenge. When we fail to clear that static, we tend to react because the only options we see are at the end of the behavior spectrum (fight or flight).
Ability for critical self-evaluation is critical for personal and professional development. By revisiting the events of the day, asking yourself basic questions like:
What went well?
Where did things start to go off the rails?
What work remains unfinished?
There are many benefits to journaling, or even light note-taking. First, we’re creating written “data” of our progress. Over time, we can start to look back on our efforts and take note of our progression. Second, journaling helps with sleep as it helps us purge anxious thoughts or unfinished business that can cause our mind to spin up when it should be winding down. Journaling helps us lay to rest those last thoughts of the day, allowing it to close in reflection rather than avoidance. And last, it can give us a very literal understanding of something we may already intellectually know—that our first thoughts are never our fault.
The thoughts racing through our minds are part of our wiring and ways of coping. However, our judgments, impulses, will, and choice are all within our control. Just because these things are within your control doesn't mean they aren't influenced by external factors: other people's opinions of you, physical sensations, etc. But ultimately, they are under your control because you can make a conscious choice to ignore your impulses or override the opinions of others.
There are things not in our control: how our body reacts, our property could get damaged or stolen, our reputation is in the hands of others, and anything that is not our own doing (basically all things external to our mind).
Consider an event and write about it. It can be anything from seeing someone at lunch to a major meeting. Choose something that isn't too emotionally jarring. List the aspects of it that were completely in your control and which weren't. This might yield some initial insights on what is or is not in your control.
MORE THOUGHTS…
People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them. – George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright, critic, polemicist and political activist
When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened. – Winston Churchill, British politician, army officer, and writer
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. – Robert Frost, American poet
If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever. ― The Dalai Lama, Tibetan Buddhist
REMEMBER
We have worries. We also have solutions. Our challenge is to trust that we can solve a problem with creativity and considered response instead of reactivity.
PRACTICE
Divide your areas of concern into two categories: things within your control and things outside of your control. Focus on what's actually within your control. Don't waste time and energy worrying about anything else.
CONNECT
Talk to a friend or trusted colleague about ways in which you can trust yourself more and worry less.
REFLECT
If you keep a journal for your own development, write down a few practical things you can do to overcome anxiety and worry. Check out this additional journal prompt on developing a practice.
NEXT
To perform well while under pressure, we need to train our minds to work more effectively. Making the right decisions, whether that is hashing out how artificial intelligence will evolve or ensuring naval ships are ready on time takes practice.
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