QUESTION
There are a few people I work with whom I just can’t accept their feedback. When they talk, even if it’s valuable, I have a hard time hearing it from them.
ANSWER
We all have hidden (and sometimes not-so-hidden) biases that interfere with our ability to listen and empathize. Common biases center around visible factors such as age, race, and gender. But communication goes much, much deeper than that. Filters that cloud our ability to drive results with others have everything to do with how accurate we determine the content to be, how we relate to the person giving us the feedback, or if the feedback threatens our sense of identity.
Sinners often speak the truth. And saints have led people astray. Examine what is said, not the one who says it. ― Anthony de Mello, Indian Jesuit priest and psychotherapist
There is no shortage of feedback coming to us—from bosses, colleagues, friends, family—but it does little to shift certain patterns. Most attention is given to the feedback giver; when we have comments for someone else we want to “do it right” so the comments “land.” When we’re on the receiving end, we decide whether to make use of the feedback and improve.
When someone gives us feedback, our first reaction is to check for accuracy. If we’re feeling defensive, we might want to litigate every aspect of it in an attempt to diminish its impact.
Three common triggers cause feedback to awry focus on: truth, relationship, and identity. Truth Triggers are the content of the feedback. We get triggered when we feel the content of the feedback is off base. Relationship triggers come from the particular person who is giving the feedback If we believe the person has no credibility or has treated us with little respect, then this affects how we respond to the feedback. Identity Triggers threaten who I AM, making us question our identity and the story we tell ourselves about who we are.
A strategy we can use when we feel the content of feedback is off base include separating appreciation (expressions of gratitude), coaching (expressions designed to accelerates our learning) and evaluation (expressions designed to rank, assess, or rate us). For example, imagine if you had just finished a painting and showed it to a friend who’s an artist. If she told you twelve things to fix and you were hoping for, “Nice job. Keep working on it,” you’d be upset. Alternatively, if you wanted critical comments to improve your work, you would be disappointed if she just said, “Nice job. Keep working on it.” Know what kind of feedback you are getting.
A suggestion for handling feedback even when the relationship with the feedback giver is challenging is to untangle the what from the who. If we feel someone has treated us poorly, it is difficult to separate the feedback from the relationship. When you respond to feedback with, “Who are you to say that?,” these are really two different issues – the content of the feedback and how the giver speaks to us. It’s best to have two different conversations about these two different topics.
To get the most out of feedback when it threatens your identity, you have to understand how your coping mechanisms lay and temperament affect your story. What causes one person shame might not even register with someone else. Understanding our own temperaments and how we are wired can help us deal with identity triggers.
MORE THOUGHTS…
True intuitive expertise is learned from prolonged experience with good feedback on mistakes.”
– Daniel Kahneman, Israeli-American psychologist and economist
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
– George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright, critic, polemicist and political activist
If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.
– John Quincy Adams, American statesman, diplomat, lawyer, and diarist; 6th US President
All that is valuable in human society depends upon the opportunity for development accorded the individual.
– Albert Einstein, German-born theoretical physicist
Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.
— Mahatma Gandhi, Indian lawyer, anti-colonial nationalist, and political ethicist
REMEMBER
Filters that cloud our ability to drive results with others have to do with how we interpret the: truth of the content we receive, quality of our relationship with the feedback giver, and impact of the feedback to our identities.
PRACTICE
When we think that our traits and abilities are “fixed,” we believe we aren’t going to change. Those with a “growth” identity believe they are ever-evolving and growing, so any piece of feedback is actually welcome because it helps them improve.
Each exercise in this pocket guide is an opportunity for you to practice and explore working with and through others, exploring topics from their perspective. Use the prompts to explore your reactions around content, relationships, and identity when hearing the other person’s point of view. How much can you really hear?
CONNECT
Talk to a friend or trusted colleague about your experiences receiving feedback. Consider if you could have leaned into the content a bit more if the relationship hadn’t gotten in the way.
REFLECT
If you keep a journal for your own development, write down your thoughts about the feedback you’ve received from particular people, making it hard to understand their message. Now that you’ve had some distance, what can you learn about yourself from the experience?
NEXT
To perform well while under pressure, we need to train our minds to work more effectively. Making the right decisions, whether that is hashing out how artificial intelligence will evolve or ensuring naval ships are ready on time takes practice.
Driving Results With Others: A pocket guide for learning on the job enables you with all the tools and tactics you need to make your interactions less stressful and more effective.