QUESTION

I prefer to focus on tasks when meeting with people. I have a hard time connecting on personal details. Sometimes I don’t know what to ask or even share about myself, but in the end, I really don’t care. I just want to do the work.

ANSWER

Results are important and maintaining relationships are becoming increasingly critical as organizations become more densely matrixed. Workplaces are moving toward more cross-disciplined collaboration and consensus-driven decision making requiring informal networks to work with immediate effectiveness. The ability to develop rapport quickly and genuinely is critical to personal (and group) effectiveness.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
― Dale Carnegie, American writer and lecturer

People who are good at building bonds with others are great networkers, building and maintaining a strong network of contacts and connections. They are extremely good at generating rapport, but also work on established relationships to keep them healthy. Two characteristics of people who are good at this skill are that they have many friends among their work colleagues. They also tend to keep friends and colleagues across their lives. At its essence, the ability to build and maintain bonds comes down to valuing others: genuinely being interested in them and wanting to know more about them.

In the end, building rapport through conversation is a lot like tennis. We want to serve the ball, and have it returned. We don’t want the other person to miss connecting with the ball, and we don’t want them to run off with it. We want a nice, easy game of back and forth.

Some helpful tactics to building rapport with people are:

Research, but not too much. Social media makes most people an open book. Learning what topics they feel are important, what hobbies and interests they have, or if there are any mutual connections make it easier to build conversation bridges across what might have felt like vast territories of awkwardness.

At the same time, people don’t like to feel stalked. We can lead with things like: “I saw on LinkedIn that …”, or “I noticed you tweeted about …”, or “I read on your blog that … ” as potential openers.

Learn the gift of small talk, but don’t force it. There are some people who can easily sidle up to people like they’ve been lifelong friends, find humor in the mundane or say something witty, and immediately ingratiate themselves to others.

Some people find casual conversation stressful, annoying, or inefficient. If the person we are talking so seems uncomfortable answering our questions, remains monotone, or only offers up the shortest of answers, we might do more harm to the relationship than good. Instead, keeping to the task at hand, or mentioning a recent press release from their company, or commenting on their industry experience can help keep the game going.

News, weather, sports—but make it regional. That means we need to strike the balance between highly relatable topics and similarities that draw us close. We live life in our particulars. When we find we share uncommon commonalities, we feel that we fit in more.

MORE THOUGHTS…

Assumptions are the termites of relationships. —Henry Winkler, American actor, comedian, director, producer, and author
When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion. —Dale Carnegie, American writer and lecturer
Do what you can to show you care about other people, and you will make our world a better place. —Rosalynn Carter, American who served as First Lady of the United States
When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.
—Donald Miller, American author, public speaker
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
—Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst

REMEMBER

We get our results by having strong bonds with others. The quality of our relationships can either block or enable our success in projects as well as promotions. The ability to develop and build genuine rapport is critical to personal (and group) effectiveness.

PRACTICE

Building bonds is a skill that requires practice. Seek situations outside of work where you can develop relationships—the people who work in your grocery store, the dog park, or your children’s school are all great, low-stakes places to start. As you gain confidence, attend networking events. Reframe the experience from needing something to being able to give something to others (advice, contacts, etc.). Brush up on small talk, “what brought you here?” You might walk away with a couple new connections.

CONNECT

Talk to a friend or trusted colleague about how building and maintaining relationships have played a role in your development.

REFLECT

If you keep a journal for your own development, write your thoughts about the importance of building and maintaining relationships. When was the last time you reached out to a former colleague or boss just to stay in touch? say thank you for a lesson learned? request mentoring or a referral?

To perform well while under pressure, we need to train our minds to work more effectively. Making the right decisions, whether that is hashing out how artificial intelligence will evolve or ensuring naval ships are ready on time takes practice.

Driving Results With Others: A pocket guide for learning on the job enables you with all the tools and tactics you need to make your interactions less stressful and more effective.